Last time I wrote down that my mood and perspective on my break up was shifting. It’s true, I can see I was allowing myself to be abused, by opening my home up as and when another person wanted to share a small part of my life. Of course I still had hope….hope that they would find the courage to commit, just as they had promised they would. Courage to start a new life in a new area, just as they had vowed and declared they wanted to……..hope it was all I had.
My eyes saw the truth of the actions, my ears straining to hear anything through the days of silence, as the last text I sent went unanswered again……every ping of the message bell raised my hopes, only for them to be dashed, washed away again…..how many more would betting company messages advising on a potential great winner would I receive today? But I carried on, not for days, but for months….ignoring each lie, each flag that waved to alert me that all I had was dreams. Nothing was going to change. I look back and don’t understand myself, why did I let this happen, why not walk away? I can only answer that as I look back I don’t really know why, but I guess dreams are easier to live with as apposed to reality sometimes. Far more concerning is even now, given the reality of the situation. I don’t have any explanation for your leaving, I don’t have a clue what you do, who you maybe with, or wether I will ever see, hear or speak to you again in my life. So why do I still have hope that you will realise what has been lost and through a miracle, and I do know it would need a miracle that you would come back and be the person you believe yourself to be and the one I fell in love with. I played my part in this, I allowed all this to happen, I chose to ignore the signs, I chose to wait for dreams to become reality as the odds lengthened against me……..who was the fool? Was it me for hiding my head in the sand, turning away from the truth, or was it you for spinning lie after lie like a demented spider, knowing you would just leave, without a goodbye, an explanation of any kind, knowing almost everything you had said would be contradicted by your actions…………
I find you sneaking up in my head, the glimpse of the tiniest of reminders, red Audi, a Fire engine siren, a Welsh flag, rugby, cut throat razor shaving salons, Levi jeans, crew clothing, the list goes on and on………why can my mind not ignore these reminds as it chose to ignore your lies, your deceit and the misleading statements of intent……..my heart breaks, my body yearns for you, I want you to cuddle me, kiss me, I want to smell you, yet I know you don’t want me, how could you do this to someone you love………I conclude you don’t love me. I know I deserve and want better……..I want you to be better to me. So why can’t I just forget, just like you have?
So in the early hours when I wake, in the first few moments when my pain still sleeps, you are there in my life and you are my dream, my hearts’ desire………as I slowly wake, so does reality. I love you with all my heart, there’s never been or will there ever be another love like this in my life for me. I yearn for you to be happy, to be loved, to have health and prosperity……………I want it for myself too. So please can you stay away from my mind, take the reminders with you, I know it won’t work for you, I know you don’t love me and I know we will never live any part of your declarations, or my wishes, so please leave me in peace, to find my purpose, to pursue my happiness, to see my happy ever after……or will this pain remain for all my days? Please let me be,as my heart walks it’s aching path.