The distant ringing…….

As the nights draw longer I was expecting to feel more positive and happier. Just as I feel a glimmer of hope, that the maybe in the future I will be strong enough to move on and meet someone, you appear on the horizon……why? You have your new relationship, you were together before we had parted, so why look back? I know I deserve better, I know I shouldn’t even care.

I am beginning to truly understand that having been in a relationship with a narcissist is so different. Recovery feels near impossible, peace and tranquility are everyone else’s joy. The time with a narcissist is full of euphoria, the sheer happiness that you’ve met the other piece of yourself, you feel so complete. You never argue, but was are you happy? The accusations? The mistrust, the weeks of silence, from height of euphoria to depths of despair. Your looking into my life through the window that is linkedin was an intrusion, it brought up hopes, fears, upsets, confusion….. so many emotions…….
I had blocked all the avenues I could and now this one is closed too…….but in the distance I hear the bell tolling, a warning, it’s saying to me…….beware the pattern continues round and round in your life, that you’re looking back to see if your refuge is accessible, available for your use……….I will be strong, I will heed the bell and one day it will toll in joy to announce that peace and happiness are living with me. So close your computer, concentrate on your new partner because I’m not who I was, where I was or how I was. I’ve been changed forever.

#narcisstic, #relationships, #breaking heart, #love

Why do you sneak up on me so?

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Last time I wrote down that my mood and perspective on my break up was shifting. It’s true, I can see I was allowing myself to be abused, by opening my home up as and when another person wanted to share a small part of my life. Of course I still had hope….hope that they would find the courage to commit, just as they had promised they would. Courage to start a new life in a new area, just as they had vowed and declared they wanted to……..hope it was all I had.

My eyes saw the truth of the actions, my ears straining to hear anything through the days of silence, as the last text I sent went unanswered again……every ping of the message bell raised my hopes, only for them to be dashed, washed away again…..how many more would betting company messages advising on a potential great winner would I receive today? But I carried on, not for days, but for months….ignoring each lie, each flag that waved to alert me that all I had was dreams. Nothing was going to change. I look back and don’t understand myself, why did I let this happen, why not walk away? I can only answer that as I look back I don’t really know why, but I guess dreams are easier to live with as apposed to reality sometimes. Far more concerning is even now, given the reality of the situation. I don’t have any explanation for your leaving, I don’t have a clue what you do, who you maybe with, or wether I will ever see, hear or speak to you again in my life. So why do I still have hope that you will realise what has been lost and through a miracle, and I do know it would need a miracle that you would come back and be the person you believe yourself to be and the one I fell in love with. I played my part in this, I allowed all this to happen, I chose to ignore the signs, I chose to wait for dreams to become reality as the odds lengthened against me……..who was the fool? Was it me for hiding my head in the sand, turning away from the truth, or was it you for spinning lie after lie like a demented spider, knowing you would just leave, without a goodbye, an explanation of any kind, knowing almost everything you had said would be contradicted by your actions…………

I find you sneaking up in my head, the glimpse of the tiniest of reminders, red Audi, a Fire engine siren, a Welsh flag, rugby, cut throat razor shaving salons, Levi jeans, crew clothing, the list goes on and on………why can my mind not ignore these reminds as it chose to ignore your lies, your deceit and the misleading statements of intent……..my heart breaks, my body yearns for you, I want you to cuddle me, kiss me, I want to smell you, yet I know you don’t want me, how could you do this to someone you love………I conclude you don’t love me. I know I deserve and want better……..I want you to be better to me. So why can’t I just forget, just like you have?

So in the early hours when I wake, in the first few moments when my pain still sleeps, you are there in my life and you are my dream, my hearts’ desire………as I slowly wake, so does reality. I love you with all my heart, there’s never been or will there ever be another love like this in my life for me. I yearn for you to be happy, to be loved, to have health and prosperity……………I want it for myself too. So please can you stay away from my mind, take the reminders with you, I know it won’t work for you, I know you don’t love me and I know we will never live any part of your declarations, or my wishes, so please leave me in peace, to find my purpose, to pursue my happiness, to see my happy ever after……or will this pain remain for all my days? Please let me be,as my heart walks it’s aching path.

A road I keep travelling down

As the Christmas decorations are taken down, as I my hopes of you calling……as I gentle pack the glittery baubles away I am reminded of my feelings a year ago. I was so full of despair and hope, I never believed I would see you again, yet I did. I truly believed if you had the chance to live in this part of the uk, all between is would be well. You’ve been given that chance in 2013, yet you turned it down, messed it up, who knows, you lied, deceived and con me throughout. ‘I won’t do the course honey’ two months later ‘don’t go made, I’m on the course’ it says so much about you and your own beliefs that you lie and deceive people so. It says an awful lot about my beliefs and why I let it happen to…… I’m working on myself, the dawn is breaking, I wouldn’t wish you back, I deserve better, I deserve honesty, fidelity, trust, love, communication, a true soul mate…..all the things and more I offered you. I don’t know why you left, I don’t know why you lied, I don’t know if you have someone else, I know I’ll be ok and as I walk my path towards the sunrise, I will keep from looking back over my shoulder. There’s nothing there for me, just shadows of a past…..of hopes gone and broken dreams…..

Shifting sands of feelings

Although I have been thinking of you, my thoughts are slowly shifting, like sand dunes reforming in a desert breeze. You lied to me on many occasion, you used and deceived. I was foolish to give without letting you prove yourself. Your insistence that I ‘prove’ my love and forgiveness was a reflection of your own need to show your true regret and to display your true feelings. I made it all far too easy. I’m sure you found someone else, a new fresh start for you, except without explanation and tying up loose ends, of money owed and your stuff still lingering in my closet, it’s not a fresh start. It a muddy start, the waters in your emotional pool are murky, mixed with the sediment of all that went before.
Now the sands are changing, time for me to take stock. No happy ever after with you, but one day I will have the joy. I’m beginning to see the light and although it’s dim, it’s showing me in the gentlest of ways that I deserve better, I deserve honesty, loyalty and happiness. I don’t want to live forever wondering when the next call or even visit maybe, if you’re chatting to another potential love or listen to the confetti of lies you decorate my life with. I have a choice, I choose to move away and start again. This time I will have nothing to prove, this time your free to prove to someone else that you haven’t changed…….

Peace and goodwill

The day dawned with hopes of a message, email or even a phone call. Countless debates over the passing weeks, should I say anything or simply stay mute. Will you contact me first? My desire overtook any sense of reason or patience……So there it was a short note of seasonal greetings, so little was written with so much I would love to say. I wanted to pour out my heart, tell you how much I miss you, how I so wish to spend all my Christmases with you. But if I did that it would only push you further away, you wouldn’t want my expressiveness, but to me it’s companionship, familiarity and partnership of us, the joining with you I miss and yearn for.

There has of course been no reply, it deepens the heartache and causes the soul to weep. Is it because you hate me? Or is it that you simply don’t care? The wondering only prolongs my pain, it has no affect on yourself. I don’t want you to suffer and maybe you are happy. I just wish I knew, that I could talk to you, ask you a few things about life, mundane, day to day nothingness…. It’s not nothingness I feel for you, it’s nothing but normality I wish for with you.

What will be will be and if you want me in your life you’ll find a way.

Christmas memories

It’s the time of years for families and loved ones to be together, yet we are miles apart in our own worlds and thoughts. If only things had been different, but there are always so many if only’s. There are so many souls who are apart from their loved one, how do they cope. All I wish for you, myself and everyone is peace, peace from worry, peace from strife, peace from financial burdens, health issues and heartache.

I hope you can feel my love, my affection for you, the deepest happiness I wish you. I truly hope your happy and contented. There’s always a way if your heart desires someone or something, you’ll find a path if it’s meant to be.

I wish I could just sit down and hear from your heart, listen to the feelings of your soul. Your actions didn’t match your words, so where did the words emanate from, your soul, your head, your trousers? I listened in awe of you, I believed in you and I gave my love, trust and faith totally in you, what happened in your heart? I only wanted to share a life with you, you said you did too.
The roller coaster of our relationship took many paths, like the joys sledging the climb up and the seconds of abandonment towards the sheer heartache of the weeks sometimes months of your silences. Never a warning or explanation but always a hope that this time was the last before we moved towards a happy, idyllic life. But like a mirage in the desert the dream evaporated in the moment of reality. How we came within days of normality only to be thrown away, with lies, deceit and the huge trenches of silence……..my heart cries for comfort, my head for peace.

Yet still I love you and wish you well, I want happiness, health and prosperity for you always. Please don’t suffer, you knew no better, you had your reasons, all is forgiven, I’m trying to learn. Everything will be for the best, if we are meant to be you’ll find a way back, you’ll learn to forgive yourself and me.

Why am I so compassionate towards you is that love or neediness, goodness of soul or naivety?

Start at the beginning………..

It was the loneliness, the empty evenings and nights, no conversations about the most mundane of things, what had been eaten for lunch to who was going to feed the hound. I’d known that loneliness all my life, it had been my constant companion, eating away at my life, isolating me from people like a dark, caped reaper who promised to talk to me, comfort me, be my most loyal companion and confidant but then once it had me to myself it abandoned me in the darkness and coldness, usually leaving a bottle of wine and a phone. To escape the endlessness of it all I left the bottles and started looking on the dating sites…..they were full of men in all shapes, sizes, all potential partners, advertising themselves as fun, sporty, outgoing and able to cook, but one caught my eye. A picture that smiled at me, he was unshaven, except for his hair, beside him was a rocket propped up against a mud wall, a small bottle of water sat next to him, his eyes sparkled he look fun, I clicked a smiley icon and waited…….

So began what would be an adventure, a roller coaster of emotions that I could never of dreamed of, the depths of despair equalled by the almost heavenly heights of joy and abandonment that had been before been imagined or experienced.

to think it would end here like this now who would of believed it?